A Place of Stories

The Good Earth, or Hunger

I’d like to eat you earth
so warm
so lush
so deep
I’d like to feel full
Press you against my throat
Hold you against my heart
and absorb your goodness
warm, lush, deep.

Created in an age before time
Softened by the crying of the rain
Beaten by the wailing of the storm
Rich from the fire of your birth
You came to me a millennia later
Full of life despite your long travels

You came to me
and I to you.

Oh woman

This?
This came from me?
This black oozing substance
drying congealing
red and flowing
trickling running
down the inside of my leg.

Am I so damned?
to see this red
feel this pain
crippled, cramping lying in bed.

Am I so wrong?
Oh woman
woman in nappies
woman in pain
woman in wrong.

I bleed all month
and once a month it shows
see my pain
feel my pain
trickle through my clothes
and drip
congealing on your tiles.

I lie in the bath
and watch myself float up through the green bubbles of water
filth
bundles of filth floating from me
polluting and soiling
your crisp white dream.

oh woman

I bleed.

Dripping

Drip Drip Drip
Drip Drip Drip
running splashing gurgling
Drip Drip Drip
running splashing gurgling
down the drain

down the drain I go
down and down and down I go
running splashing gurgling bubbling
down into the colours I go
colours of my heart
colours of the embryonic womb
colours that hold me bind me fuck me kill me
down the drain I go

bubbling gurgling
down and down and down
into the colours
into the misty dark seas of my soul
thud thud crumple dark
down and down I go

Magic

Magic
you are magic
running through my spine
tickling my chest
Electric.
currents whizzing spinning
diving through my body
up and down
from giddy smile to toe
you sizzle sparkle dazzle and charm
ripples of magic running through me
wrapping round me
holding me close in an electric embrace.

Cunt

I said the word Cunt
for the first time
I, woman,
aging in my thirties
(young to you but old to me)
for the first time
I said Cunt.

The force of it shocks me
knocks me back on my heels
to say such a word!
round and cutting
sharp in my mouth
filthy, dirty, rich with smut.
I said that word?
Why?
What made me do it?
So profane . . .

Its utterance is a liberation
my dirty little secret
a dark woman’s power.
I smile with delight
knowing what I’ve done
knowing what I’ve said.
It took me thirty years and more
to discover this secret
unleash this power.
I’m such a nice
sweet little girl
but I said Cunt.

Truth

There is no one meaning.
There is no one truth.
Therefore there is no meaning.
There is no truth.

Really?
Is that so?
Interesting.

Despair then little world.
Despair.

Tomorrow

When will tomorrow come mama?
said the naive and stupid child.
When will tomorrow come?

Tomorrow comes when tomorrow does
I busy can’t you see?
I have no time for foolish games
You know when tomorrow comes.

I don’t said the child
I don’t at all
I don’t understand
I don’t comprehend
when does tomorrow come?
and when does it eat?
and where does it sit?
and where does it like to play?

You stupid child
you foolish child
so unknowing and unwise.
Tomorrow is no beast
it does not eat
it does not sit
it does not run and play
it does not breathe
it is no thing at all.

You cannot feel a tomorrow
you cannot stroke its hair
it does not blink
it does not twitch
it has no presence here.

Then what is a tomorrow?
the stupid child then said.
Oh please explain
most noble sir.
I want to understand.

A tomorrow
(stupid child)
is a simple thing indeed
but I’ll explain it slow
(you stupid child)
so you can understand.

When the sun goes down
to its gossamer bed
then comes back up again
its then tomorrow you stupid child
can you get that in your head?

But when the sun goes down
to its gossamer bed
and then comes back up again
is it not now?
I though that was so.
Twas what the crazy child said.

Stars

Starlight
shining harshly down on us
standing in judgment
ready to pass sentence

Oh kindly stars who used to twinkle
brightly and with cheer
as friend and advisor
councelor and confidant
do not judge me too harshly
my friend and only talking companion

Don’t be so distant
Don’t look at me like that
Where has your twinkle gone?
like balefire you shine
down and down
cursing, judging mocking.

You know me too well stars
you know my heart
look there
and find some pity
please.

Muse

My Muse has left me
one moment she was here
sitting on my lap
playing with my hair
holding my hand
and laughing
laughing in such joyful silver tones
nothing but that moment
pure and golden mattered to her
I loved her
I held her
perhaps too tight ...

She was gone
I don’t know when she left
but the knowledge struck me dumb

She fled to the darkness
taking her candle
her precious flickering candle
gone in the sooty darkness

I loved her
love her still
I sit in my chair and think of her
willing her to come home
to me.

And I know the more I wish
the further she will run
muddying my paints
spilling my ink
and destroying my dreams

I love her
summon her
using every way how ...
but always a cheap copy
second hand
second class
derivative

My muse has left me
I was so sure
I held her so tight
and when I looked up
she was gone.

Love Poem

Pulse quick
heart thump
smile giggle titter
sigh
and grin from ear to ear
rejoicing spinning laughing clapping
marvel and dance
that he?
never, no, impossible!
dance hug kiss
and grin from ear to ear.

Come out and play

Muse stands at the door
head on one side
she gazes at me and laughs
come out and play she says
and streatches in the sun

I can’t my love
dream and fire
work not play
my love be quiet
stand still

Muse has a gaze
that tears my soul
And I say no
I break her heart
and mine
I anger her
she is never refused

She rages and storms
she hammers and wails
its always her her her
she will not be denied

So I cave and say yes
just to hear her laugh
and delight in the world again.

I yawn and stretch in the sun
and howl to the world to hear my cry
COME OUT AND PLAY.

Two Poems of Love

Loving you is like coming home
to somewhere safe and secure
like I’ve never known
and never known I needed
In your arms I am safe
I flower and bloom
dancing
dancing like a wild thing in your arms.

Love is no constraint
no rusting iron bars
it is like the wind
wild and free
tempestuous and calm
but always there.

Dark

Through the shadows of my soul
my heart to keep
glistening, slick and dark
through the nightmare prism fractures
of my mind
shards, shattered, falling like leaves of glass
hiding, glistening in the grass for unwary feet
and growing
claws and eyes
ears and elbows
clambering to its feet
and staggering
looking for home.

Tired

tired
goin to go to sleep now
tired
so tired
I’d like to go to sleep
can’t

too many words
too many songs
too many things that just want to be
charging round and round
making flutterbye nests in my head
they wanna dance
they gotta be
but they can’t
and I’m tired
god am I tired
I gotta scream

Never

I’ve never dared
never dared to say this will be
never dared at all
I’ve never dared to say it’s not enough
and I’ve never dared to dance in the rain
or sing in a lift
or pick all my flowers

never dared to say this or nothing
never dared to give my heart
never dared to dream of rainbows
never dared to be hurt

never dared to howl I love you
never dared to care
never dared to laugh or cry
and never dared to dream

I’ve never been hurt or cut or bruised
never in my whole life
If I’ve never been hurt or cut or bruised
then why am I falling apart?

Sister

Wake up sister
please
women are demanding
women are revolting
our pulse is quick
and we take up the drum

You were there at the start sister
waving your banner
hurling your shouts to the sky
you were there
you were there

and we haven’t finished.

Ladies

We live in enlightened days
I’m not an object anymore
except in your heart . . .
and mine.

Now we live in brave bold days
But I won’t speak too loud
or walk too tall
‘cause then we’ll both feel embarrassed
and ashamed

Step out of the shadows
But not into power
Do not stoop
Do not cower
But do not stand with your legs apart
and your arms to the sun

Be a lady in liberation
do not beg
but do not ask
and never demand.

Poor Man

Poor man
what has become of you
poor man
feeling quite lost
poor man
how hard to be on top
power comes with a price
the oppressors can never be free
chained to your performance
chained to your strength
he who must lead
he who is automatically respected
he who is listened to
before he is looked at
it comes with a terrible price.
Inside that hulking
know it all
condom full of walnuts
are you afraid?
It’s lonely at the top
isn’t it
I would not take your place
for a hundred years of paradise
poor man
trapped
paying the price of power
snip snip
slash slash
power may require balls
but you castrate yourselves in the journey
poor man.

Ambition

Stupid bitch
stupid whore
you want to be what?
and more . . .

You stupid slit
you crazy fuck
How about I shut your mouth.

Grass

The grass is green
nitrates phosphates
the grass is red
iron and steel
the grass is black
tar and bitchumen
the grass aint alive anymore
the grass is glass
stiff and fragile
sharp and broken
razor sharp
the grass is red from bleeding feet
hurt and wounded
please don’t trip.
the grass is dying
trampled hurt
the grass is fighting
no more no more
the grass has edges
razor wire and barbs
the grass is glass
fragile and broken
the grass is dead.

Hurt

Wrists and throat
ears and elbows
heart and soul
head and cunt
wrist and throat
and widening circles

of red

Thursday Night

hurts
don’t know why
don’t know how
but it does.

hurts a lot
but not enough
not bad enough to cry out
not soft enough to go away

want
want to curl into your arms
want rest my head on your chest
want to close my eyes
and know that I am safe
know you’ll hold me close

need
I don’t know
nothing I guess
I can make do

selfish girl
I want more

guilt
I’ve let people down
not done enough

lazy
just want to be still
just want to be quiet
with you to make it safe
with you to make me remember love

read me a story
whisper in my ear
and not secretly feel disgust
at me being a child
not secretly be disappointed
not secretly think that I am less
than what you thought

scared
yes I am
not sure why
but I’m terrified

Dreams
had a bad one last night
it got worse and worse
it got dark and dark
it got more more real
and I thought that I

confusion on confusion
the web was so thick
wrapping and wrapping
I tried to break out
the circle and circle
back to the house
haven and prison
doorways and lurkings
so scared of the dark
and the thing behind my back

and the sea was rising
and the rocks were rough
days passed
and scaring nights

then the night
a night of openings and closings
I knew it was bad
bad to go out
out in the dark
but i heard something
no others would go
so out
I went into the dark
darkness and shrubbery all is safe

a sound
I hope i haven’t heard it
maybe its not there
the sound
again and again
sounds of scraping
scraping scraping scraping
a shovel scraping on concrete
i see a hunched black figure
an old woman
she is scraping scraping scraping
just an old woman
just an old woman
my mind screams with fear
and denies she is anything special

then there are three
the others closer
all on my left hand side
scraping scraping scraping
in the bushes
I back away
i know they know me
know I’ve been trapped
perhaps I can make it
to the house I’ll be safe

I turn and I run and I run
and I’m almost there
and they are slowing me
and they send something out
And I run into the thing
something like spiderweb
but not
threads
threads
like poisonous candycane
soft as black wool
a noose
a harness
it wraps and pulls me back
envelops me
I know I cannot escape
It is pulling me back
to something I was -
something I ran away from
it is pulling me back
I cannot escape
I know it is futile
I am tired
scared
It will swallow me whole
in part I am curious
curious in fear
to know what I was
what I’ve forgotten
despite the terrible price
so I fall
bound up in a spinning
winding
taking
web
it swallows me whole
takes me into the mystery
almost relaxed
at least I will know
know and pay the price
lost for once and all
this time I can't come back
lost, I will be lost
damned forever
and ever and eternity
no longer never my own

and I wake up
cold
scared
alone
palpitating
scared of the dark
I don’t want the magics and mysteries to be real
I don’t want to be caught up in it
it costs to much
if it is true does too much
I don’t want proof
I don’t want power
I’m scared
I don’t want to know there are things out there
beyond my imaginings
it makes the world to big
too scary and swallowing
I don’t want the world to eat me
I’m scared

I reach out to the stereo
am tired but if I sleep now ...
don’t want to know what happens
reach out and turn on the tape
must brace myself
fear the air will eat me
something will get me
away from the haven
hear the music
it wails and is full of mystery
I sleep
I think of you

Poem

I read it
and in that one moment
frozen in time
a jewel found on the sand
given freely by the sea
in that moment
held and treasured by my mind
I became free
knots and vines
wrapped so thick round my waist I thought they were clothes
dropped and fell to the ground
without a moan
without a murmur
without the least resistance
I had been a bird
in a fine meshed net
flapping and flying
sometimes almost, almost free
then a hand
anonymous and sudden
freed my last claw
that had been stuck for so long
holding me back
in a web of convention

Revelations

moments such as these
a chance
spontaneous decision
and now part of me is free
that never was before
never even contemplated that freedom
moments of revelation
points of expanding existence
possibility, horizons
a breathtaking flower
unfolding, unfurling
with infinite variation
and I at the centre
of a dizzying cacophony
of sound sight and experience
leading me deeper
into myself

This

sun
leaves
shadow
green
brown
red
dappled twilight
and longing
longing satisfied for a time
a moment of quiet
a moment of peace
and still
this one moment
to hold
and restore my strength
a moment of being
rest
quiet
peace
a few moments left
before it is gone

an aching
a throbbing
a needing
a longing
a wanting
in the back of my mind
wailing and lurking
stalking and needling
calling cajoling
to be set free
to consume and devour
to hold me and hurt me
shaking and crying
it calls like a lover
knife in his hand.

Longtime on concrete

cold
ache
throb
numb
tingle
ache and groan
cold
the ground
is hard
and I want to melt

Folly

Only the child
and the fool look up to the sky
and all too soon the child forgets
grows old
and dies
cut off from the blue
the clouds
and the sun

Only the child and the fool
know the rain
know how to get wet
and thus nourished
only the child and the fool
and the adult who
for a golden moment
too soon lost
remembers again
what it is to live.

I love him
and this makes my world stand still
that he loves me seems impossible and strange
yet he does
and he will not recant
how strange
he knows me
and still loves me
still holds me and wraps me in his arms
he respects me
does not bind me
but allows me
encourages me
to grow
heart of my heart
my soul given wings
given permission to fly
a permission never given by myself
to soar and dance
to hold my dreams
and hold them tightly.

Puzzle

a piece
a picture puzzle piece left out of place
alone and adrift
forever orphan
unaware of its part
unaware of the role it has to play
cut off
alone and adrift
a series of potentials
but nothing more
a hand?
a foot?
a shadow on the wall?
fragments of a could have been
fragments of a once did dream
a picture incomplete.

Lady

Lady mine I am yours
though the grass is long and grey
lady I am yours
though the dark winds howl
and the imps do play
lady I am yours
though you be large and dark and strange
reviled and feared
and fled from
lady I am yours

lady of pain
let me feel your wounds
lady of terror
let me feel your fear
lady of compassion
let me feel your love
lady of steel
let me draw my sword
lady of will
let me have my own way
lady of song
let me dance let let me play
lady of fire
let me burn with your spark
lady of ice
let me know of your cold
lady of death
let me know of rebirth

though the path always mine
the ways always mine
the choice always mine

Dark goddess I am yours.

The Hunt

Ice
snow
deep on the land
rain
sleet
and snow
the howl of the horn
mournful to the moon
the cracking of branches
before thundering hordes

pale as ghosts and more pale again
thundering and antlered neath the white bloated moon
pale as the snow and more pale again
crashing and tearing through the snow

the horn wails high and low
the terror of the hunted increases
running, staggering, straggling through the snow
wild eyed is the hunted, the prey

and the huntsmen surge onwards
more pale than the snow
the huntsman ride onwards
ground floating below
and charge onwards ever onwards every hungry ever wanting
the huntsmen charge coldly
move cruelly and slowly
for their prey lost the battle a long time ago

Wow

A blob of ink
a swirl of colour
a gesture here and there
a shape
a feeling
an emotion
a prayer
in the wave of a brush and a line

Destiny

Don’t tell me not to cut
I want to I need to
its in the blood

Don’t tell me what to do
I’m not your child
I’m not your slave
this is my will

And don’t tell me what I am
You don’t know me
you don’t own me
I make myself
this is my destiny, my own

And never tell me what I feel
How it burns, how it aches
How I fight, what I crave
this is my heart not yours

Don’t tell me what I want
what I need
what I fear
these are my hands
I’ll take what is mine

And don’t tell me this is love
your sick little parody
your puppet master’s game
your eighth day as god

I’m your whore
your bitch
your slut
your slit
your creation my love
no longer

I’ll bruise
I’ll bleed
I’ll tear out my hair

But I will be mine
oh yes my love
I will be mine.

Rain on the ashfelt
trickling
drizzling
dripping
rain on the tin cans
rain on the overflowing garbage
rain in the alley
rain in the darkness
trickling dripping congealing
rain on the figure in black

She is small and young yet old
her bones from the birds did come
she shakes in the cold
then doesn’t
trembles gone
only blue

Her arms are so frail
yet the scars are so dark
some up
some are down
some across
shadowling bruises
she looks for a vein
it it is dark
it is cold
she can’t shiver

She knew this would come
in the dark quiet place
her role has been played
she can go
she knew this would come
this day of this night
when the burden she carries is gone

She can’t feel anymore
She can’t breathe anymore
At last the cessation of pain
She can’t feel anymore
She can’t breathe anymore
At last the cessation of pain.

Now

I want to be wild
I want to be fire
I want the wind in my hair
and the world at my feet
the craving never stops
desires never cease

I want this load of my back
I want the pain to be shared
I want the audience to listen
the judges to care
I want the rain on my face
I want the sun in my teeth
I want the stars in my hair
want the moon at my waist
I want sex when I want it
and I want it now
I want the fire to be stated
if you’ll show me how
I want hugs ever eternal
the grip never end
to be held and be comforted
by lover and friend.

The girl from the streets

She lives
I thought she was dead but she lives
heart beats
pulse slow
breathing shallow
but life
she was found
by a man
a man in the dark, not a friend
he stopped her
stopped her from the final step
why?

he held her
breathed life in her
would not let her go

she woke up not dead
but on a couch
blue quilted and warm
not dead
not dead
not sure why

then he entered the room
and she looked up at the man
he was smiling a sigh of relief
she braced herself
knowing what this meant right now
she owed him and she’d have to pay

perhaps she could love him
perhaps she could do that
force emotions to bend to his will
she owed him for saving her life
though she’d wanted to die
wanted to end
and he’d held her back from the brink.

So she braced herself slightly
as he entered the room
knowing the price she would pay
and he smiled at her tiredly
his eyes lidded with grey
and sat down at the chair near her head

‘you gave me a fright
in the alley like that
so pale and so still and so white
I’m so glad to see now you’re ok’

And he smiled at her tiredly
and gave her a mug
it was steaming and dark and so sweet
‘I have work now’ he said
‘I’ll go now I know you’re ok
but my flat is your flat while I’m gone’

And he left the small flat
with his briefcase in hand
and journeyed right out of the door
so she sat there in silence
heard the click of the latch
and then drank from the dark mug some more.

Her mind was in shock
uncertain, perplexed
never encountered this treatment before.
No leaping, no grabbing
no grappling no fondling
no kissing or holding her down

and days passed and nights passed and a gentleman he stayed
not even a peek while she bathed
and he taught her of things
such wondrous things
of words and of poems and true love

Yes love the man it came to grow
a love unlike any she’d known
love that was unforced
a love of her choice
unlike any she’d known.

And their days were of bliss
and their nights of pure joy
as they wrapped in each others arms
and love grew more strongly
more fiercely more true

and she learnt of such things
such wondrous things
in the arms of the man she adored
she learnt of the world as a wide growing space
potentials so limitless unfold

and she loved him so dearly
he had taught her so much
with a tear in her eyes she did go

she had learnt of the world
the wide growing world
and knew she must face it and grow

she would go out in this world
on her own steady feet
find herself in its terrible glare
she would face down the world
under no mans charity, under no mans arm
she would face down the world on her own

Cans

I’m going to live
I’m not sure how
I’m not sure what
but I’m going to live

If that means mortgaging the future to finance the now
let it be
my life is my investment
my passion is my flame
my desires my guide

I will live in the now
how will stockpiling heal me
what of the man who collected so very many cans
that when the ending did come
he was almost relieved
because he had prepared
and could live out this half life alone.

And what of the man
who gathered millions of cans
that when the bomblasts did come
in the first frantic wave
from the starved angry hoard
he was pummelled and beaten to death.

Wind

Listen
can you hear the wind?
can you feel it?
its paper feather touch on your skin.
Can you hear it whisper in your ear
feel it stirring in your bones
something wanting
something more
can you hear the soft wind calling?
crying for release
sobbing wailing moaning
a perfect mirror of your own.

Redemption

I don’t want your redemption
I don’t want your forgiveness
you think that is something you can give me?
you can take your pity too
‘cause I reject it
I don’t need your validation
don’t need to be told I’m good
I know it
I am it
and always I will be it
and that’s just the beginning my friends.

Soul

I would like to give you a fragment of my soul
would you keep it?
would you keep it safe and warm?
I get so cold
I get so alone
I would like to know one part is safe.

Would you take just a tiny piece,
it doesn’t need to be loud
I’ll try very hard to make it quiet
I can be like a mouse if you want me to
it’s a price worth pay to be safe.

Would you wrap up my soul
in some pink ribboned tape
and lavender paper with flowers
would you sing to my soul
and lull it to sleep
and ignore the sad fact that’s ugly?

mind’s eye

A strange and foreign land
there are no maps
we make our own
at first it is hard to see
the fog
and the wind and the rain
they scream down on us
making it hard to find the way
forgetting there is no one way
but many
crossing intersecting
one foot in front of the other
on a weaving winding path
we make our own paths
we interpret the scenery
through the rain
what can you see?
in this dim and distant land
there are things
waiting to be seen
waiting to be found
a piece by piece
longing to understand
be understood
an alien landscape
once found markers
once found places
and defined
can become more safe
its harder to get lost
you may not be found
but what will you find?

Meditation

Pause
find something to focus on
a hand
a leaf
a flower
the grain in the carpet
the light on a cup

Take a pause
chaos and confusion can be everywhere but you can create a moment of peace. That power is in your hands.
Create a place
walk until you find a place that feels right, anything from a nice safe cupboard, to a forest, to a corner of a library, to a park, whatever feels right to you
sit down
somewhere quiet
get yourself at a nice body temperature, perhaps you're feeling cold?
breathe slowly
make this space
the world can continue without you for a bit
the world loves you and respects that you need a bit of peace and space to grow and become whole
the world will give you some space if you let it.
Imagine a threshold as you enter this space
as you walk over it you leave behind everything
become a blank slate open to the beauty that infuses life if you can learn how to see it
perhaps you take some things over with you
don't get angry at yourself for letting them come
just speak to them gently and ask them kindly to leave
if they still will not leave perhaps you should write them down
Create this safe place, relax
make it a haven
build it lovingly
but the world will create a space for you
a time out for five minutes, an hour, half a day
whatever it is it is worth it
because it is healing you body and soul
it is an investment
it is something you deserve.
drop whatever you are doing and do this, this is more important than anything.
Rest
breathe
step outside the rules for a moment
and just be
feel the ground underneath you
look up at the sky
see the leaves
see your hand
see feel touch
consciously remember what all these things are
and anchor yourself back in the earth
feel the strength of the earth
you deserve this
you deserve some peace and some rest
you can get it
if you let yourself

Angels

I like fallen angels
They have a wisdom that cannot be bought
They have looked at themselves
and begun a journey
They have wings
they just use them differently.
They don't use their wings because
society, friends or family want them to
they use their wings for their own desires.

And the desire of a fallen angel
one who has looked inside and walked on the edge
the desire of this sort of angel
is usually to heal
heal the world
heal their loved ones
and sometimes even
heal themselves.

And sometimes they feel guilt
and bad
and not enough
self indulgent
petty
hysterical
confused
alone
and dominated little girls
but this is not because they are bad
or weak
or without spirit
or friends
This is 'cause they see
what most don't
and feel
what most don't
Think more than most do

and want so very much from themselves
and hate themselves when they fall short
that sometimes they don't see how far they've flown

And they heal not because they are told to
not because it is expected
heal because they want to
because they do
even if they don't know it
and some even come to love themselves,
though never as much as they should.

David

‘How often have you fallen in love?’
‘Several times a day’ was his reply
that is my friend
a man inspiring trust
I can’t remember not hugging him during hello
he’s what gives cats a good name
A person to crash on
no words, no need
just hugs and warmth and acceptance

Lachlan

‘will you keep your promise?’
‘My word is my bond, a promise for life.’
that is my love
that is my friend
that is my soulmate
a man inspiring trust
he is gentle and kind yet strong
he is of great passion, great tenderness yet control
he knows of logic and science
but has not forgotten soul and spirit
he is physical
he can play
I think he will bounce and not break
he is accepting
and full of such loving
and incredible selflessness
he knows the difference between understanding, support, compassion and pity.
he gives of his all and then gives more
and curses himself for his shortfall

I feel comfortable with him
I can be honest with him
not just everyday honest, but honest of the soul
He tempers my wildness
and brings it to new heights
he will hold me
hold me tight
and not let me fall
he knows the difference between possessiveness and bars
he makes me more free
knowing he is there in the shadows
knowing his arms will catch me
makes me sure I won’t fall

He lets me touch his soul
and that is such a great gift
he will let me for tears in his eyes

and he is big and he is strong
and handsome with a firm chin
and his skin is so smooth where it ain’t stubble
and his hair is of gold but softer than silk
and knows how to plan
and make wishes come true
he has ideas and then makes them
he knows who who he is
but he hasn’t stopped looking
he hasn’t stopped wanting to grow.

Heart

You fill my soul
You hold my hand in your heart
You breathe and it fills me with life
You leave me full
and increase my hunger
answer my questions
and open new doorways
You give me more
than I could ever ask
you satisfy me body and soul
and this gift creates wanting
you warm my cold
and soften the flame
so the edges don’t cut me
you love me
protect me
you protect me and don’t patronise
you respect me
you love me
I love you
I love to want you
I love to feel you
and hold you in my minds eye
skin, body and curves
I love you

Poet

I live in a delusional fantasy girl world
and I have found only one escape
only one escape have I found
and that’s to make it all real
all the dreams in my head
all the colours and whirls
all my pains and my joys
the world and I you see
we try to get along
but my brain won’t work
it keeps jumping and dancing
and making me hurt
so I write what I feel
what I am or could be
so my world becomes real
and provides me with bread

such a sensitive girl
such a sensitive child
she really doesn’t like stress at all
‘cause her brain keeps on changing
with a burning desire
full knowing it’ll never be free.

Put me away

I don’t want to do anything
I don’t want to be anything
please just put me in a place where its dark
I can just ramble and rant in the dark
I can wriggle against the straps pulled so tight
and bang my head hard on the wall

and sure I will miss all those things I once had
But at least I won’t be wanting anymore
and I’ll miss your embrace
and I’ll miss your gentle touch
and I’ll miss your salt tears
fall like rain

Love

I love you
when will that word mean enough?
I love you
when will that explain what I mean?
I love you
I love you
damn you
I love you
please hold me
and say that’s ok.

far far from here

I close my eyes
and feel you arms around
I feel you read my words and understand
i feel your presence take me far from here
I feel you pick me up
on wings of golden silver
hold me in your arms
and stroke my hair
a thought and I am gone
from this place with all its pains
I flee to a future self who’s in your arms
I taste your smell
and rest my head on your chest
and know for a moment
I am safe

but I do

I need pain
that really sucks
but I need it
No I don’t need it
that’s destructive bad talk
but I do
but I do
but I do
from it comes such fire
from it comes such desperation
and from burning desperation comes Muse
Muse of inspiration
she grants me such passion
for writing during these burning
blistering
bleeding
dark and soul burning moments
comes heights of new wonder
new passion and strength
from whence much writing does come

don’t do this dear Liz
that is bullshit you twit
that self destructive turn of phrase
you write when you write
sometimes happy
sometimes sad
to all moods does the Muse come.

A word

when will a word
when will a line, a page, a chapter, a book
describe in its completeness
one momment
one breath
one sigh
one gaze of a mother who
for the first time sees the
closed eyes and sleeping face of her newborn child
when will a word descxribe that gentle joy
that tender love
and soft feelings of fear at holding something so fragile
so vulnerable, so susceptable
so easilly bruised and broken

when will a word describe our nightmares
terrors lurking in everyday dreamings
we walk in fear
with a creature crouched in our innermost darkplace
waiting for a chance
a chance to make us vulnerable
a chance to make us weak and cry
for some this thing is the thought of failure
others bury hate, anger, loathing or fear
for some that creature buried deep
is the demon love, joy or redemption
a terror beyond contemplation.

To my lady

Walk proud my lady
Walk tall
Never flinch, never cry
The burden is on you
Straight you shoulders
Hide your pain
Until the dim dusty shadows hide your wilting face

Be bold of step my Lady
Repair those fractures deep
Recreate your heart alone
Make this, your new heart brave
No chink, no groove to guide the sword
From them who only hate

Strong and fearless you shall be

And if alone some empty endless night you should cry
For hopes and treasured lifetimes lost
Choke back your sobs my Lady
Drive them hard and deep and down
Anguish will find its end - or not
In deeds and thoughts - or tears?

Not tears, not ever
Which rip and tear your soul
Unleashed and raging wild
Poisoning and ravishing your body and your heart
And once you start where will you stop?
Your loss is far to great.

For your life my Lady
For all that you hold true
Walk proud, walk tall
No flinch, no cry
And pray for the ease that shall come
When your soul has died.

The History of a People

Life he said, is a garden.
Misty with dew in the haze of a sun yet to rise.
Life is forever changing.
The sun has risen, hides behind a pink cloud to kiss the petals of snow white flowers.
Life is bounteous.
Green stalks rise up in giddy profusion, rising to meet the brilliant blue.
Life is chaotic.
Filled with life by the golden orb creepers wildly twist and gyrate, reaching up and further up.
Life is often deceptive.
Flowers writhe, exotic plumage bursts into being every moment. Trees surge upwards, contorting in their efforts.
Life is impartial.
The golden orb now burns them, blistering those who have gone too far into crimson deadness. The others cannot escape, they are too many, there is no room.
Life is the certainty of death.
The sun sinks bellow the earth. The ground shudders and waits for the morn.

Lullaby

Goodbye
goodnight
I’d turn out the light
but its off
for the power ain’t working
the power is gone

you sleep tight then
rest and dream well then
no white lights to glare down and disturb you
no glaring neon
no screaming siren
rest and be quiet my child

for if we are loud the bombers will hear us
and down from the sky they will give
parcels from heaven
some for boys
some for girls
to hasten us all on our way

So sleep well my dear child
lulled by the flickering flames
rest in peace little one
some for girls
some for boys
rest in peace little one
farewell

Renaissance

Renaissance woman
renaissance man
nothing to do but try
almost at this
not quite at that
nearly some talent
instead there’s a lack
Renaissance woman
renaissance man
a poker game lost
in the very first hand

You

Don’t like you
never have
never will
don’t want to
won’t try to
no pretend to
or fake to
no bow to
or smile to
I’ll make you cry too
but you’ll never be lied to
be certain of that.

A Prayer for Tomorrow

Tomorrow
Let it be tomorrow
When those I love are safe
And found their shore

Tomorrow
Let it be tomorrow
when the dark tangles of pain
are lifted from your eyes

I’m waiting in tomorrow
Sitting in the shade and smiling
Knowing you will make it to this place
One foot
then the other
You can make it my dear love
You can make it and I’m waiting in this place.

and falling leaves

A dry empty husk
chaff taken from its wheat
alone
empty
staring
spark gone
eyes dead
breathing shallow and frail
mouth hangs
an empty void
waiting to be filled
with food
or a pillow
an empty husk
alone and sad
full sentient to its loss

Declaration

It is
It will be
It is my command
I will make it my wings
This knowing
This certainty
Life is good
Life is joy
as much as it tries to hide it
This will be so
I will take from it
With both my hands
The inherent bliss
Inherent wonder
I will drag this screaming from the world
and share it

Meltdown

face
eyebrow
ears
nose
chin
tear
and split
running
drifting
splashing
down the cold cobbles
and down the drain
a mirage of faces
swirling
and oozing
one into the other
and back again
round and round like fireworks
Catherine wheels spinning
distortions and mazes of mirrors
carnivals and clowns
theatre masks
one happy
one sad
blending and blurring together

Flight of the Pegasi

a forest
A forest dim and quiet
birds gone to sleep
only river and hunting owl chatter
and then a splash of white
moving, darting swiftly
weaving through the trees
she watches the moon
full and bloated in the sky
she too darkened by gloomy cloud

she stumbles once
twice
again and again
her soft breath catching in her chest
then ragged tearing gaspings
a filmy shine of sweat
running, streaming
steaming down her spine

The ground gets harsher
harder rockier and more lonely
though the climb gets higher, steeper
on and on she runs
though the night is on its wane

She climbs the rugged mountain
as the pinkness of the sun
has tinged the dawning clouds out to the east
at last
though breath is sobbing
and her heart pounds in her ears
she stands atop the highest rock in all the land.

In the still she hears the flapping
drawing closer to her spot
and she watches as her countrymen fly past
she sees the glory of their flight
majestic bearing noble brow
nickers softly in the hope they won’t forget

and she stands atop the mountain
at the ruddy break of day
and bids her proud companions all goodbye
they have gone past the horizon
to the places she once knew
forever gone
and they have left her far behind

and she heads back down the mountain
ever slowly, oh so slowly
tired, aching, bruised and battered from her run
she goes towards uncertain future
a future spent alone
her broken useless wing
drooping by her side.

Things

holepunch
stapler
sharpener
blender
everyday things to you
but not to me
not to me
don’t ask

Sam

You are my shaggy dog
friendly
and cuddly
and woolly
and ever so poodley
muppety
bounce all the dayely
huggily
lovably
one hundred percenteldy
eaten my lunch yet again

Frisbee

they fly the air
and don’t bounce very well

Free association

thistles
and bristles
are coarse to the skin
and combining with soap they just smart

Turtles eat thistles
in spite of their bristles
which is why they will never be frogs

Knights and Towers

As much as we would like to believe it
As much as we would like to say it
no one can ever save us

As much as we would like to be
fairy tale princesses
waiting for their knights
this will never be

no one will ever know
the full pain in our hearts
the full plight in our minds
how helpless we feel
but this does not make us alone.

while princesses in towers never get saved
for one knight will never slay all
that lies in the dark
we can save ourselves.

And we when we come down from our towers
built in a helpless hope.
when we come down and join the fray
fight the battle that surges through us
then our knight will come
comrades in arms we fight the good fight
back to back in the fray
we hold our own against all odds
and will not let each other fall
and when one is wounded
by a lucky thrust or cut
the other will not let love fall in the mud
but carries love to the grass away from the fray
they tend each others wounds for a time
and then full of courage
certain in each others will
they rejoin the fray again

Rude

fuck you
fuck the lot of you
think you’re so good?
well fuck you

I lie in this bed
I lie in my heart
I am tired body and soul
I’m too tired to care
just too tired to care
too tired to feel anymore

Of the blood

Not all vampires are of the blood
Some are of the mind
Soul and spirit
Succubus of the night
having no life spark of her own
having no life spark of her own
finding her own small candle insufficient
she preys on others to fill her own void
sucks each one dry
and to her sad discovery
finds she is just as empty as before
hungrily she hunts
roves restlessly and desperately
for one who will not make her feel alone
and she breaks them with her hunger
leaving them limp and sad and frail
having given all they could give and then some more
And she loves them as she breaks them
with ferocious fearsome fire
consuming all.

Winter

Emptiness
Abyss
a well of things that could have
might have been
what is the greater cowardice?
to let go
or hold on too tight.

Girl

Needy girl
silly girl
burning people out
wanting too much
taking too much
until they get boken.

Purple buises
round my nails
purple broken fingers

Can I?

Can I?
Dare I?
Let this pass through me
Will I let it
Shall I allow it?
give myself
the emptiness of being

Mindfulness

We must tread
Mindfully in this world
This is the key to all being
In this lies the answers
and questions
we must be aware
we must participate
but not become trapped
in patterns of thinking
or despair
we must do
we must be
we must be compassionate, pasionate and care
and we must let it go
We must have faith in ourselves
and be of the universe
not the universe’s victim.

Darklings

We are afraid of the dark
and because we have this fear
we will not turn on the lights
for fear we will see more dark.

Leaves

Leaves
on the tree
when was the last time you saw them?
Really saw them
looked at them
when was the lat time you looked at the face
of a stranger moving fast on the street
how can you claim to know yourself
If you do not know these things.

Homecoming

These are my people
These people you mock
despise
and would control
They are my heartbeat
my country
my life
We are those who step sideways
Who fell through the cracks
spiders spinning
spinning a web of their own design
We are the wanderers
the wayfarers
the troubadours of this earth
singing songs
you do not yet understand.

Listen

people of my heart
people of my dreaming
spread out so far and wide
I would hold you
catch you in my arms
gather you in with my net
will you listen to my tales?
of sweetness and of sadness
will you travel with me
to the soul’s end and back?
Will you let me spin you a story?
A story of such struggle
heartbreak and suffering
battled through to find redemption
love and understanding.
Will you let me hold your hand?
Warm to the touch
secure and real
holding you fast and anchoring.
Will you close your eyes?
Listen to my words and dream
dream and live and laugh
and dream of a time of dancing soon to come.
through gardens bright and lush
let each word fall like a silken soft petal on your ear
let each word touch you
find you
and be like a key to the chambers of your heart

Starlight

Strands of starlight have been woven
just for you
silver shimmering thread
woven together
to make a net to catch you
hold you
keep you warm against the cold night
and soothe your fevered skin.

And the moon is a cradle
secure and soft pilled high with blankets and cushions
for you to curl up in and hide
safe and warm and nurturing
you may hide there
until
strength returned on slightly wobbly feet
you peek out of the moon and dance in the sun

And the net will always be there,
waiting
ever watchful
constant in its desire to catch you

These words and metaphors
may not seem real
but they are and they wrap you in a blanket
give you hot cocoa and sit you in the sun
and will help make you strong and sure.

The silver net
will always be there
always be there
to catch you

Untitled

heart slow
heavy pulsing
dull aching throbbing
not knowing
finite options
in an infinite universe
will he won’t he
shall I shan’t I
long slow torture
a knowledge of love and good intentions
how many tears shall I shed
tears calculated to the last drop
endless days and nights of sorrow
in the equation and counted
will he won’t he
should I shan't I
a lifetime of aching
numbing burning sorrowing
cynicism making me understand
what might be

Real

Today I am
strong and weak
poor and rich
loved and alone
let me out
let me in
let me know what is real
no lies
false promises
or performances
please be honest
it’s like a drug
the need burns in my veins
stronger than heroin
no lies
no faked smiles
the world as it is is shifting
drifting through a maze of uncertainty
please
I am begging you
please
do not hide your true face
do not live behind a metaphor
give me this gift
this one precious gift
and be real

Dreamers

Where have the dreamers gone?
Too many and not enough
living half lives in waiting rooms
waiting
waiting to be discovered
where have the dreamers gone
overflowing and sterile
vacuous and indulgent
the last of expression before the bust
At its highest and grandest
Set up for the fall
Set up to die.

feel 1

Sometimes I feel
that every time I say or think
I love you
I am hurting you
I am sticking a knife in your side
And twisting it
Placing another straw
on your
poor camel’s
back
taking from who you are
and making you weak
binding you in a confusing web
of our own making
Placing you under a curse
with my witch’s eyes.

feel 2

sometimes I feel
so demeaned and hurt by you
you reluctantly succumb to my embrace
and think of farther fields
greener pastures
where you are not bound by me
where you are free
and are never obliged to think of me again
I feel like a toy
of occasional interest
when thrown onto your path
you pick her up and play with her
but never seek her out on your own
like a cousin you only seek out at family reunions
enjoyable company
profound words
but its not as if you write
Is it simply that you are inarticulate?
That you have not got the boldness to seek me out?
Is it you are so used to being asked you know not how to ask?
or is it that you no longer care
I tire you
I make things too hard
Make you feel too small and insecure
Do I bore you?
or ask the wrong questions?
am I too honest?
Do I doubt you too much?
has my constant probing insecure ups and downs ins and outs never the same but always a crisis
wearied you to the bone and you long for release
Do you think of me when I am gone?
or do you avoid the thought
it is too unpleasant, full of sadness, regret
and with a duty bound
If we parted which would be the greater?
relief or regret

sun sea earth sky

sun
sea
earth
sky
moon
water
tree
leaf
plant
food
earth
creature
fills
world
with light
with life
it is of us
in us
ours to take
and give
nurture
cling to
destroy
and be destroyed

Yelch

Yelch
felch
belch
fickle
fim
fie
a pox on both your houses
cry
cry
cry

Fine

I’ll be fine
I’ll be right
as long as I don’t think
of you
or me
or the spaces
in between

Failure

and your biggest failing
bigger than all the rest
dwarfing all others
could be that
you’re not psychic
you’re not perfect
(not that I could love a perfect man
or woman)
you’re human
you’re vulnerable
too much and not enough
I trust you
too much and not enough
I understand you
too much and not enough
You understand you
too much and not enough
but you’re biggest failing
unforgivable unrepentant
is you won’t stop letting me love you.

A funny thing

Love is a funny thing,
make’s you do funny things
like cut your wrists
pull out your hair
gauge out your eyes
and tear out your beating heart
slam it down on the table
with a sickening squelch
and leave it there shaking
for all to see

Love is a funny thing
makes you do funny things
makes you laugh and dance and smile
as long as you don’t think
makes you weep and shake and moan
small weak and frail
not knowing who to blame
but feeling such anger
towards that which was, which is
loved so much

Love is a funny thing
turns you inside and out
upside and down
Love is a romantic tragedy
and divine comedy
only for the brave and strong of heart
Love is a magic thing
of enlightenment and discovery
a reward for those who can survive
under its grinding heel.

Love is a thing
a thing beyond words or counting
a thing to excuse the most barbaric of acts
a thing to allow such beauty and light
a thing that makes music and dancing
nightmares and war
I did it out of love
for love it was done
Love is a funny thing
it makes you do funny things.

The craft

I love to craft these words
shape them in my mind
my mouth and tongue
feeling the words glide through me
down my pen
and onto the page
I can give myself to this
loose myself in the rise and fall
lulled by the cadence
lilting and cocking like the sea
cradling me and taking me far far away
far far away from me
taken from me for a time
to allow space for the words
the craft to rise and flow
bubble from me, through me
and leave me clean
washed by a gentle summer’s rain.

Poison

You poison my thoughts
where once you were a pleasant bliss
a sweet sweet reminder of what is good
now you are a haunting thing
I am surrounded by friends
we laugh and talk and drink at the cafe
I think of you and feel sad
lonely
lost
bereft
abandoned
my face grows dark
as I force a smile
and grimly try to be happy
haunted by your absence.

Please

hold me
touch me
feel me
stroke me
kiss me
love me
mercy

Gold

For a golden moment
when we are on the phone
everything is fine
everything is like a dream

For a golden moment
when I see I have new mail
from you
my heart leaps in my throat
with joy

That golden moment
you skin against my skin
soft and sweet and smooth
it feels so safe
it feels so right
melted honey
nectar from the gods

Your hands
your mouth
soft caress
silken hair
These moments of gold
These memories
a soft bittersweet.

Hands

I can feel it
Your hand on my face
Your hand on my cheek
One touch filling my world
I miss those hands
soft yet rough enough to know they’re real
holding me, cradling me
my hand on your hand
touching my face.

How?

How do people do it?
Wander around all day being people
Where do they get all the strength from?
Where to they get the focus?
I can imagine it in my mind
but it seems strange and alien
something that belongs to someone else
Something I could do possibly
but don’t want to pay the price.

the breaking

Dreams and phantasmagoria
Dripping tallow
on sodden sheets
and unsplit milk
Dreams and shallow resonance
ripping within and without
the sounds of breaking glass

Whispers down corridors
open windows
shut from behind
to the scattered rhythms
of unspilt sheets.

and who gets the chance card?

Monopoly
and everyone wants to be the shoe
why
personality
you’re more real if you’re bruised and battered and old
the pain is long since past
don’t trust us
us young ones
fresh and round faced
smooth skin and ruddy cheeked
ready to kill for your shoe
or for the thrill
thrill happy kids
blank slates
written on by whom?
Not the state, smash the state
then whom?
our will is not our own
not for all out prancing
peacock scared shitless performing
probably some old shoe guy
the one who sits alone,
designing women’s underwear out of hate.

to get ahead

Get out of my head
you there at the back
smiling smirking beserker babe
out
You wild woman screaming potential bitch
wanna wanna wanna
gotta gotta gotta
destiny or fate
living out a bazillion dreams
bazillion potentials
so much
too much
whys it gotta be me?
Out
OUT!!!!!!!!!
Dear God to be simple
Dear God to trust in my desires
Dear God for that abandon
Dear God for the ignorance
to see it as a good thing
instead of a cop out
I could do so much
be so much
chickenshit girl
wandering to povertyville
scared to fail
scared to die
scared to look back and curse
see a great big empty left behind
cry and think of pathways ignored
Scared to be any less than the most
Scared to take a path and fail
or worse become an almost something
a not quite something
standing in the door peeking but
never quite let in
oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck
fuck it.

Change

Hear the desert winds howl
distant drumbeat
and the smell of imminent rain
hear the shrieking of the wind
twisting and tearing
wrenching and hurling
fragments of you to the sky

May it never be

I would not see you
tamed with such ease
and carelessness
you were meant for the open sky
shining piercing stars
and gently soft moonlight
I would not see you
gagged and bound so swiftly
without a whimper, a murmur or a sigh
I would not see you
head bowed and kneeling
at the feet of an ignoble master
Nor would I hear you repent,
confess your crimes
and recant
apologising for your deeds
wild and wondrous one
I would not like to see
the spark the fire the flame
flicker, fade, grow dim and die
in your eyes
With the dying of your eyes
I am lost

Fae

Will you believe in me?
I am a thing transparent and frail
Will you believe in me
your thoughts make my wings
my heart and my eyes
my lips my mouth and my tongue

will you dream of me?
I am uncertain and weak
With your dreams I am filled
with a wondrous burning fire
it warms me within and without
twirling me up to the light

Tremble

Oh heart beat
tremble flutter
eyes closed
not daring to see
that look
that glance
those eyes that would tear me asunder
yet stay
look again
oh heart
dear sweet mercy
oh heart be not so faint
those are only two eyes
no special quality or depth
and yet
and yet
oh dear sweet heart
go
but stay
and look again

A torrential downpour

and here I stand
trembling in the rain
shivering cold
yet proud
in small hunched
pitiful manner
drenched past skin and bone
arms crossed
teeth chattering
frozen fragile
but I stand here
The rain soaks me
dark clothes clinging
to pale white goosepimpled flesh
I stand in the rain
eyes sullen, downcast and defiant
I stand in the rain

Blood price

How do I make my life worth the price?
How?
How will I ever make it worth the terrible cost?
All that I have
All that I am
has come from the blood of innocents
through lives of hardship
paid a pittance in factories dark and lethal
lives enslaved
to feed and clothe
a careless fat cat as myself
there is blood on my hands
what do I do
to make those lives means something?
how can I make what they suffered worthwhile?
when is what worth the price and how?
Selfish spoilt and petty princess
yes I am
living a life of luxury and indulgent
how dare I?
how can I be satisfied with myself
with this world
when my comfort comes at such a price?
is it enough that I live life as fully as possible
do and be as much of myself as possible
is that enough to make those lives mean something?
how do I live with myself?
Selfish child complaining when one bowl of cream is not enough
so I steal a bowl from a starving child and lap it up
how can it be that this is not criminal?
living the high life
crushing those underneath me
wasting
squandering
a laughing
mocking fat cat
replete on the blood of innocents
on the blood of the enslaved.

Archer

with calm eye
sure arm
draw your bow
and shoot
aim
fire
kill
that is what you are there for
kill

What price?

What is enough
where will you find it
what is the price you must pay
when is it over
when will it begin
when will the dogs have their day

when will the rats
constrained in their ranks
take a freedom they find from within

when will the blood
still staining my hands
finally be taken away

things to hang on to

Hope...
must hope...
must believe...
must love...
must hold...
these thoughts...
or all else...
comes tumbling down
hope...
must hope...
must believe...
in what I say...
stand strong...
hold true...
keep faith...
shine bright...
hold heart...
must smile...
to the sun...
must sing...
to the moon...
must keep...
these things...

the walls they would...
tumble down...
the waters all...
want me to drown...
the world is too...
vast and wide...
there’s no place left to...
run and hide...
searching for some...
secret sign...
trying to make these...
fragments mine...
the wind is spinning...
me to the sky...
must hold tight now...
hear me cry...
I want to know now...
what is real...
what’s my purpose...
why must I feel...
I feel I’m running...
all out of room...
my life’s a wasteland...
I’ll hurt you to...
see the dark birds...
in the sky...
hover circling...
want me to die...

the land it owns me...
from foot to mouth...
and yet I fail her...
I’m not enough...
yet I will not yet...
quietly lie down...
I’m bitch queen...
in thorny crown...
I’ll hold my spirits...
I’ll keep my pride...
I’ll never be vanquished...
never be denied...
the right to hold on...
to dreams so true...
they burn and hurt me...
that’s nothing new...
and I will hope now...
I will believe...
I will be trusting...
it is my need...
I will be loving...
and in the night...
I’ll hold all I have...
with all my might

This is my promise, my vow, my oath, never, ever give up.

not much really

I have this great need I have discovered
a need to be loved
a need to be listened to
and understood
it isn’t just a want
or a desire
a dream or a fantasy
but a need, pure and simple
I live for the stage
the audience
I live to be able to touch
to be able to feel
myself reflected in your eyes and yours in mine

I am a wilful child
I play the part my way
I don’t like the rules and I’ll change them
pretentious and vicious
you see worldly wise
from an old soul inside a child’s body
you say I’m a sage
I have knowledges deep
but you see what you want to see
there are no saints
no truly great men
just one at the front
allowing others to be.

Carriage

jump
neigh
scream sigh
whimper
toss and turn

flip
back
turn your ear
you chin your cheek
your face

whip lash
front and back
a spring has sprung its last

tightrope’s end

These cravings
These cravings go deeper than the soul,
Deeper than the mind
Deeper than my fast beating heart
Oh god
I seethe and rage
I tremble and gasp
A thin wafer of control
keeping my sanity
and stopping my plunge
into chaos, madness
and destruction

I want to bite
I want to rend
I want to hear
not you or her
but me
I want to hurt
I want to maim
I need to gauge
and tear my flesh

A thin wafer of control
A thin wafer of fear
stops my plunge into
chaos, madness
and satisfaction

How I long for that release
to satisfy that rage
and not care

There are such colours in that place
reds and fires and yellows
and then in the moment of release

white
oblivion
nothing at all
a complete ending of sensation
as endorphin after endorphin
clears and soothes my brain
better than any drug
a moment of simplicity
a moment of absolute peace
better than any padded cell
or secure straight jacket

I understand the autistic headbanger better
than any doctor
or shrink
it is not a disease of the mind
but the longing of the soul
a longing for some place
any place
to be home.

Sir

If the train would like to stop sir
I should like to get off and smell the flowers
Please sir
just a little sir
The grass is so green
I should like to dance in it
only a step or two sir
and maybe put a daisy in my hair sir
just a little one sir
And I was wondering sir
if its not too much trouble sir
I was thinking maybe
if its all right sir
please sir
may I be a child?

3 Days

3 days
3 whole days
without cutting
or harming
or bleeding
or burning
but not without pain
clenching in the gut
pounding in her head
focus
focus
an addiction hard to crack
she does it physically
is she worse
or better
than the cripples who wander past her
half lived lives
their self destruction where it should be
on a leash
locked inside
in walls of the
inner chambers of their minds
caked in blood
and broken glass
and they will not harm themselves
not really
not actually
they let another do the harming
so they are so much better

Healing Slowly

Love
What we have
to at last learn and see
after having waiting for so long
to have given up hope
that you could find with your own hands
and then you do
you find and start to become

all is worthwhile
once more what we have is a flower
no longer a pit
a trail of pain to work through
a snap, a clean break
like judicious pruning for the lost tree
a love, once more constant
although much changed
once more back to back
in the fray
comrade in arms
dear to my heart
a brother to the cause
bringing your own wisdom
and strength

It makes me so happy
so very happy
that you are no longer the universe’s victim
the circle is broken
let the spiral
or better yet the windy bindy path
begin

Not coward enough to be lost

I miss you
which ever way I think I feel a fool
complete
utter
I don’t know
I just don’t know
tired of fumbling for an answer
but what else can I do?
to give up to confusion
To give up, shrug my shoulders and say there are no answers?
No
I think not
far too easy, simple
cowardly
and in the end I am
not kind to anyone
fumbling for an answer
it hurts so much
all answers cause pain
no answer is correct
but at least I am looking.

Living

I do not have much to give you beautiful beautiful world
but I will give it
my all
my life
how can I not give my all an embrace you fully
what else is there to do but open my arms
and let the stars shine on my face
the wind blow in my hair
fully be
fully do
touch and be touched
care and be cared for
wrapped up soundly
naked to the sky

Sometimes [or the folly of Liz Argall]

sometimes I hate you
I think of you and I want to spit
I look at you and I wonder
wonder if I beat you bloody will that make it real
poor fucking victim
content and safe in his own prison
I’d wish you to hell but you’re already there
So chicken shit
So safe
To think I believed you
trusted you
let myself believe you loved me
when I was a toy
a fascinating book
a passing fancy with an attitude problem
You hid that from even yourself
well ignorance is no excuse
no excuse at all
You make me sick
You make yourself sick
and you’ll contentedly wallow in your self loathing
You don’t get the fucking message
Don’t get the picture
You try so hard no to make the same mistakes
But that’s not the fucking point
time is a one way street
and the mistakes will always be different
You try so fucking hard to be ‘good’
to not screw up the way you did last time, you don’t actually learn
Learning from a mistake does not mean just saying oops I won’t do that again
Every experience leads us deeper into ourselves if we choose to
But you won’t fucking learn from anything
unless it is neatly chopped and sliced and diced into nice meal sized portions
well fuck me if I expected more than that
You lied to me
And then you lied to me
and then you lied to me some more
Now not all of that is your fucking fault
but at least I tried
I tried to be honest
I tried so fucking hard
and you?
well fuck, you?
Too much of a bother I guess
too much of a bother really
I LOVED YOU
I was doing something that involved emotions
involved a burning crimson fire
what game were you playing?
What fucking game?
I complained
said I did all the maintaining relationship stuff
You said
Maybe you didn’t want too...
couldn’t be bothered I guess
If it needed maintaining you couldn’t be fucking bothered
So many other lies in that moment exposed
You said
You didn’t know much of relationship stuff
You said
You were busy
You said
You were tired
You were sick
You said
You were dealing with lots of emotional shit
sorting yourself out so to speak
and me fool that I am
believed you
believed you felt for me
believed you loved me
believed you fucking cared
Well I don’t buy that anymore
I was the fucking rebound girl
A convenient reason for a breakup
A toy
and a teacher
and a friend you could fuck
and you certainly did
fucked me over for sure
Why the hell did you have to lie to me?
pretend I meant something when I didn’t?
Oh you cared for me that’s for sure
What a nice patronising thing to do
but you did not love me
You don’t know what love is
Perhaps you never will
But my blessing and my curse to you
is someday
some day you will know love
Not some platonic love
or a generalised feeling
But a fire
A burn
an utterly terrifying fall
its scary
it burns and you fall
and you’re not sure if you’ll make it out alive
You don’t know what the price is
But the fear is large
that the price is too big
a sacrifice of the soul
a sacrifice of self
and you know what?
Love is a sacrifice of soul and self
And at the same time
Your soul and spirit are increased a hundredfold
even though you live and die in their eyes

You said
What hurts the most is the fact that I am hurt
wow
I guess you don’t miss me at all
but then again why should you?
your plaything’s just been taken away
You can find another
You wouldn’t let yourself feel love
So why should you feel loss?
Great, so you feel sad for me
Bad on my account
Guilt for the harm you have wrought?
Well shove it
more pity?
more sympathy
better you spit on me
It is you I feel sorry for
You cut your own wings
You would have given me almost anything if I asked
well that was the fucking problem
I had to ask
Poor fucking victim man, go wallow in that
I feel like such a fool
complete and utter
All this time
All this time
I’ve been a Necrophiliac
fucking the dead
and I thought I was the vampire.

Chagall

Chagall I love you
More than Vincent
Monet, Matisse, Picasso or Raphael
I met you through a book
my father brought it home
a book for children
which simply means it was written with a beauty and simplicity of form
it spoke of you of your love
love for life
love for art
love for Belle who was always there
The love in your painting
Beautiful rich in colour
simple in form
and woven from a thousand dreams
the gentle accepting eye of your cow looks back at me
Gentle, accepting and so worldly wise
Some people I guess could call your work naive
Childish, rusticated
fools to say such things
Cynics envious, jealous that you can live in the world but they can not
dare not
I read of your wife
how you adored her
and you shared your love for her with us
painted your love that we might share it
and I read of how she died
and how you put down your paints and did not touch them for a long long time
eventually you started again
So very many years later
although never enough years to take her from your mind
You started again and once more shared your love for her and the world with us
and then
Then I read you were dead
You lived a life long and full
but I wish you had lived a little longer
I would have liked to weep a little for your death
but you were gone before I even knew your name.

Thank you Chagall
for having the guts
to live life
love life
and dream

3 words more complicated than they sound

live
be
do

Merely old conjecture

are you afraid of happiness
my love
of dreams
joy and simple pleasures?
I feel you are.
You are not afraid of that which is flesh
pleasure and pain are yours to take
in body
you are much better than I,
a bruised and battered childling,
at finding pleasure in that which is flesh
you can reach out and take
own, hold tightly
to raw data to the senses.

You revel in the company of friends
delight in their antics
and smile at their joy
but you keep your gaze narrow and focused
no left or right
no looking up
gaze at the ground
and follow the track
that others have made with their feet
no looking up
a terror too deep there
too much potential pain to swoop down and strike
too many remnants of past gone dreams
bleached bones
white and blocking the landscape
sadly clanking
lonely drifting
they would like to become part of the earth
not buried but join
enriching the soil from which new dreams shall spring
you feel it is your identity
this bitterness, this pain
making you strong
separate and alone
making you apart
held onto
as if you fear
to loose it would
be to bid farewell
to your soul,
your spirit
your identity
but how can a person be a person
in a valley of bleached bones.

Tableau

A howling form
Glistening slick and slippery
Howling sheets of torn crimson vanilla
Silken heartbeats
in the flutter of broken wings
the butterfly dancer
out of step
A gramophone plays
soft to the moon.

Now

Now is the time
Now is the time to live
to embrace the dew
and shake the petals
now is the time to live dangerously
now is the time to speak with a conviction and passion about
everything you hold true
now is the time to be wooed by the starlight
and dream of things which may never be
now is the time to make those impossibilities possible
and fly against the storm
and rail against the night.
now is the time for tears
the wrenching of sadness as grief takes its course
now is the time of delight
the dance of life increasing in fervour every moment
an exponential curve of experience and light.
now is the time to be still
to journey inwards on a path that has no tracks
guided by a light which has no source
now is the time to explode
dizzying tumbling in every direction
now is the time for noise
for fervour, for a passion uncontrolled by fear or decency
now is a time to feel hurt
small and sad and vulnerable
now is a time to curl in a ball and shake
dreaming of one who will hold you
now is a time to put aside fear
to ascend to the highest peak and seek your fortunes there
now is a time for bravery
for courage
for hope, heart and integrity
now and only now for ever thus it shall be
now is the time to live.

Flutterbye

Dead inside but not
Quiet inside and still
Sad inside but not
Empty inside but still
Tired and still and calm
Glad its over
Glad not to feel hungry
Glad not to feel burnt and torn
Glad to be free of your fears and mine
Glad to be proud when the last chips fall
Glad to have standards I won’t fall below
Glad I can love you and leave you
Sad
Sad to see you trapped
But glad
Glad I am free
And glad of the love we once had

n’t

Could have been enough
He couldn’t
Cause he wouldn’t
Wouldn’t go and think that he was
So he wasn’t, cause he wouldn’t
And I shouldn’t
But I did.

Serendipitous

Serendipity drops
like a cool reflective pebble
glimmering ripples
refracted light
it nestles clear and hard
at the bottom of the pond
visible only
to the rays of the sun

Eternity

Eternity
Eternity contemplated in a silver spoon
golden as honey
and clear
like amber
it traps the seconds
the moments
the days
suspends them in cool calm crystalline structures
inescapable
it waits
more patient than a spider
knowing they will come
they will come
to the golden nest
of no return

If I

If I were alive
I would break all the toys
and never say sorry
If I were alive
I would sing all day
but never dance
If I were alive
I would serenade the moon
softly with a banjo by the lake
If I were alive
I would never be afraid
I would eat ice cream
and spend all my money on flowers
If I
If I
If I were alive

If Only

If only my heart would melt
and slither softly
sweetly
to places I may not go

If only my heart would break
so a collage could be made of the pieces

From fear of requited love.

As bright as the apples that did grow
As sweet a s summer’s sap
As bright as a hard working smithies forge
And the hungry eyes of a trap.

Those lonesome eyes they drew me in
so ferocious and so bright.
You make me weep, you make me cry
I gave in without a fight.

The savage beast is broken
This worm has turned too far
But my death I share with you my love
au revoir my sweet, farewell.

On deliberately loosing one’s scarf

You left your scarf behind.
I’m afraid you will catch cold
And yet you left your scarf behind.
it’s a signal, I am told.

It means that you are interested,
That’s what the guru said.
It means we’ll meet for coffee ...
I know what’s in your head.

You lost it on ta purpose!
You desire to see me again.
You lust for a seduction -
Something more than friends...

And so you left your scarf behind.
As a pawn in love’s great game,
But I’m afraid I’m just not interested.
Now isn’t that a shame.

Better

I found myself smiling today
Not because I was deliriously happy or glad
but because that was the way to be
the natural form of a face
I found myself smiling today
for the first time in a long time
I guess I’m getting better.

A Place to be

Would you like
To sit in the sun and dream
The piercing blue
The flaming orb
dance the dance of light
and into their hot embrace
dream the dreams of what will be
singing songs of changing love
and rivers washed by time
Into the dark and golden place
in soft velvet pulsing
heartbeat of the sun
where none will dwell but you
inside the warm red flashes of light
there you will live
In the secret heart of the sun.

Dusk

Leaves in the darkness
Coal black against the sweet soft dusky grey of the moon
Leaves hang softly in the moonlight
Their fingers gentle
To caress the sky.

Sweat

Old sweat
sweet and musky
a dark perfume
and a reminder of things gone.
The wash of cologne
the smell of a stranger
wearing your scent
he brushes past
and I wear you on my lips.
Taste your smell
and caress your absence.

Fall

Grey autumn twilight
catching your auburn hair
spinning sparkling ripples
of deeper colours
darker than desire

As autumn kisses the darkness
I come to you.

Womb

dark and dismal
an ache of fire
old blood
stale semen
a barren plain
abused beyond recall
wounded it lies bleeding
wounded it lies dying

Just a bit

This might hurt a bit
just a bit
but its worth it
its great
and the pain is just sensation
that’s all, nothing more
but this might hurt a bit.

So on the day of whynotgiveitago
I went
appointment made
knees silently shaking
examining the merchandise
this on or that one?
And wondering if this is
thebiggestfuckingstupidmistakewhythehellshouldI...
but I hear that its great
that effects and what not
so why not?
(and to tell the truth at least it’ll make him stop going on and on and on about it cause I’ll know for myself and anyway why should he moan more than...)

A new thing to try
so why not?
it can’t do any harm
(except that's a huge fucking needle, huge, huge and its going to punch a hole in me, what the...)

It hurt
hurt a lot
huge needle dripping in goo
thrust through tender, tender flesh.

Hurt till my brains popped
and my stomach was tangled in my knees
standing on intestines I rose to my feet
and sat down again
fast.

Sensitised
Oh yeah, you betcha
throbbing with pain
aching for ice
and wizz fizz (perhaps that’s just me).

Next time a tattoo instead.

A Medley of Loss

How did we get such a wonderful dog?
I ask Dad as we drink our coffee
admiring our fluffy adorable pooch
running off with another slipper
to place it neatly by the door
“Trial and error” says Dad
Trial and error.

Roxy went mad
savaging a hand
a risk to toddlers
and other small monsters
she never stood a chance
poor Roxy
wild mad beast
we loved her but
the city was to small
for her long legs
horizons to narrow
for her roving eyes and wild spirit
and so for the crime
of having legs too long
our white skinny desert hound
was slain.

Roger was young
a mere babe, golden and smooth skinned
round faced, soft flesh
he wasn’t with us long
when a gate left open allowed him escape
he flew from us
he faced down a car
and lost.

The vet rang us
he had been found
he who was ours for only a little
they had kept him alive (half face shattered sagging eye no longer fully housed in socket sinking further down.)
they had kept him alive
‘cause they knew he was a well loved pet
so we got to choose
13000 dollars of experimental surgery
six months immobilised in a hospital bed?
or death.

it was our choice
and Roger, he we had for so little
became bones in our garden
our baby gone to rest

Prince was a shy and nervous beast
an outcast from the rest
so we bought him as is our wont
to support fellow introvert nerds
but we were too bold
for this shy creature
and that very night that dark prince
stealthily snuck away
he ran and ran
while we searched and searched
for days and days
he ran to his mother in a different town
and was almost home when they found him
He stayed with his mother
we could not keep him
we would not break his heart

Charlie
Charlie brave bold pup
built like a tank
and a wombat in strength
we took him in from the cold
and let him flourish
black blob tadpole pup
gleaming fangs and wagging tail
a Rhodesian coffee table cross
He decided he liked out neighbours better
they let him inside
let him sit on the cushion and watch TV
something we never offered
so rather congenially we let him move on
though he occasionally visits
and sometimes he writes

Harry, oh my Harry
we had you the longest and I loved you the best
You came to us second hand
Meek and hurt
weird and neurotic
rickets in your legs
we will never know what they did to you
but the scars stayed deep in your mind
fear of men
fear of shorts
fear of sticks
They made you berserk and angry

You were my best friend
companion and confidant
someone to love
even when in later years
arthritis, tumours, abscesses and cancers
took their toll
but it wasn’t those that took you from us
an appetite for little dogs did

I’ll never forget that day
you bounded to me breathless with joy
the spark of life high in your eyes
smelling of death
your face covered in blood
and I in tears wiping away the blood
hoping to wipe away your sin
But they came for you
angry seeking revenge
for harm done to a little dog (though not even stitches required)
and I held you while you died
soft fur melting in my arms
your eyes a soft puzzlement
why
why
why

And now we have Sam
Black bear wild and woolly
and he’s not gone yet
not yet.

what of it?

And if I were to laugh and dance and sing and play, would you keep me company and would you play the tambourine as we listen to the radio up too loud singing sweet songs of hopeless helplessness and falling magically in love down by the lagoon thank to a Mr Right who just so happened to come along and is the only one for you. would your eyes dazzle and sparkle enchanted in the moonlight as I told you fables of giants and pygmies and creatures from the dark with fearsome bitey teeth and gnashing claws. Would you put up with my nonsensical rambles, my passionate unrepentant ups and downs my creative splurges and melancholy depression. Would you listen to my wild exotic plans and will you slip your hand in mine and squeeze it tight. Would you put up with my angry doubting words, my fears my theories and say I don’t give a damn, I love you wildly passionately and fiercely with a fire that will not go out so cut the crap. Will you argue with me fiercely will you let us exchange words of incredible heat and anger and will you let us kiss and make up. Will you let me be bold and brave and fierce, will you let me protect you when the hard rains fall. Will you call out to me when you are in need and distress so I may call out to you. Will you let me be your strength and will you be mine. Would you dare to dream a thousand dreams, plan a thousand plans and then together make it happen. Will you make me feel needed as I need you. Will you let me love you with all my heart. And will you help me find a way for my love not to break us?

Askance

All I ask for is my place in the sun. It’s a big ask I know, but I want it and I think I deserve it. All my flowers have been eaten you see and I need a space in the sun to grow and recover. My field is lush with bright fresh growth, like the sudden green regrowth of the land after fire. I am green, I am lush, I am bright, but I still need a space to regrow. For this purpose I would like my space in the sun, feel its warmth on my arms, feel its strength. I WANT MY SPACE IN THE LIGHT.

I said the I Ching

I need to find my roots
I need to find a place of safety and of home
I am doing well where I am
but I need a place to call home
I crave for nurturing
always the hungry wild child
taking taking taking
I long to nurture
I long for one with whom
I can utterly combine my soul and spirit
wrapping each other
Yin to Yang
making each other
whole

The Dance

Tonight I will dance
dance the dance of death
the dance of fire
I wrap the fire close to me
it is my lover
and together we pay homage
to the prince of death
who waits with a big cock and a smile on his lips
leather pants hands on his hips
I dance for you Gede
I dance for you

Tonight I dance the dance
I dance for my lady the moon
I dance for my lady the sun
I dance for the burning times
I dance for the blood and the wail it makes
as it drizzles unchecked between my legs
calling the dogs to howl

III

Tonight I dance the dance of passion
hips lips fingers hands
they call to you and pull you from the crowd
I dance the dance and make you want me
make you burn for me
and leave you on the ground panting to tempt another

Tonight I dance the dance of power
all may want me
but none can have me
I see from the weight of the hearts
the low ebb on their fires
that they are not enough

Tonight I dance the dance
this dance I dance alone
I dance to the tunes of breaking glass
and a child crying for home
Tonight I dance for sadness
soft steps and trailing arms
Tonight I dance to the wailing walls
for the women who weep and moan.

Feel 3

how do I feel at the moment,
how do I feel?
Like mithris pie with anchovies and extra cheese
how do I feel at this moment
like Columbus 80 years
old senile pissing in bed
tiredly remembering the ‘good old days’
how do I feel at the moment?
so god damn fucking tired
I’m sick I ever grew a brain
how do I feel
HOW DO I FEEL?
fine thank you
thank you for asking

Choose

Choose the time
Choose the day
choose the things that will snap
and the things that will break
Choose the size of the coffin
and the person to fit
Choose the ones who stop running
Choose the one who will live
choose, choose choose

Not remembering a goat

I remember
I remember when I was five
or six
I remember my hair worn in plaits
I remember my gap toothed smile
and goofy grin
I remember the ground we buried you in.
The clay was hard and red
I remember the cross of sticks my brother made
and the old old sheet that was your shroud.
I remember your smell
sour and sick
as you laboured for life
for how many days?
I remember the cough medicine
sickly and red
I hated its taste was glad that you drank it
I remember you annoyed me
too fluffy, too cute
too lovable ever to be trusted
and I remember my sadness
knowing that your youth
was all you would know

Songs of pain, sorrow, joy and redemption

1999

(and some from earlier, but I'm not telling which ones)

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© Elizabeth Argall 2003-2004